If you’ve been perusing the web in search of jokes for wedding speeches then there’s a good chance that your winning gag could be older than Ivy Bean and you’re in real danger of someone actually stopping you because they’ve heard it before.

With that in mind, we’re officially consigning this list of tired, old gags to the comedy dumpster. If you find yourself including one in your speech, it’s time for another draft.

So get your drum rolls and cymbals at the ready, and if you think we’ve missed any, why not tell us about them in the forum?

Weak intros

“The last time I stood up in a room full of people I was found guilty.”

“I am the best man, so in time-honoured tradition, I will do my best to give Dave the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Sheila’s life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Dave.”

"In the interests of being politically correct, I’ve removed any controversial material from this speech. [Long pause]… Thank you very much and good night."

Puny Puns

“If I’m the best man then why is Sheila with Dave and not with me?”

“The problem with being the best man is that you never get a chance to prove it.”

“It’s been an emotional day – even the cake is in tears.”

Stag-do jokes

"I’ve known Dave for a long, long time. I have watched him crawl around on his knees and drink from a bottle and I’ve cleaned up after him. But enough about the stag do…”

“When I first heard Dave was getting married I was overjoyed, and really looking forward to our special day. But enough about the stag do…”

“I’ve been told I can’t mention the prostitute, which is a shame because he was really nice.”

Joke Insults

“Can I just say to the groom that I can’t understand why you thought your new wife should have gone on a diet – I think she looks stunning.”

“When I heard that Dave was going to get married, I thought long and hard about trying to talk him out of it. Then I thought, why should he be happy?”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, if there is anybody here who is feeling, worried, nervous or apprehensive it is probably because you just married Dave.”

“I’ve enjoyed myself so much, I hope I get invited to Dave’s next wedding too.”

“Sheila deserves a good husband. Luckily, you married her before she found one.”

“I think it’s great that Dave decided to get into shape for his wedding. It’s just a shame the shape he chose was a circle.”

Sexist Stuff

“I’d just like to say how wonderful the bride looks in white. She’ll blend in beautifully with the kitchen.”

“It’s not that the groom is lazy, but marriage is an expensive way to get laundry done for free.”

“You’ve married Miss Right. First name, Always.”

Pitiful Props

[Producing a slice of toast] “And now, a toast.”

[Ask the bride to put her hand on the table, and then ask the groom to put his hand on hers]. Then say: “Savour this moment, because it’s the last time the groom will have the upper hand.”

Terrible Yoasts

“To our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet.”

“To my best friend and his beautiful new bride – May all your ups and downs be in the bedroom.”

“I’d like to thank Mastercard and Visa, without whom this would never have been possible. I really do mean it when I say the bride and groom will be in their debt forever.”

“Let us all be upstanding, and give the bride the clap she so richly deserves.”