What To Drink At A Wedding

Seeing as there’s a bit of a booze theme this week (plus things are a bit slow on my wedding-planning-stuff front), I thought I’d share my experiences, nightmares and repressed memories and do a brief guide on what to drink (and what not to drink) at a wedding. It’s easy to get carried away at these things, with the endless toasts, celebratory mood, and of course the free bar. But here’s a bluffers guide to avoid getting actually carried away, by furious groomsmen, bouncers, or Armed policemen…

Beer – Lager

Pros:A safe pair of hands – you know where you are with a Carling.
Cons:Doesn’t look too classy with a wedding dress.
Hit Points:A good session choice, assuming you know when to stop.
Twat Factor:Stay off the obvious wife-beater brands, unless you want an Albert Square-themed wedding.
Morning After:Fairly safe, but stick to bottles if you need to do anything important.

Beer – Old Knob’s Peculiar Mild (real ale)

Pros:A pretty cool pint. No, really. It’s the thinking man’s Carlsberg.
Cons:Can cause a tendency to sniff and talk about a “nutty finish”.
Hit Points:Varies. Check the percentage, and avoid anything called “hammer” or “cripple”.
Twat Factor:See Cons, above.
Morning After:Also varies. Stick to the golden rule; the lighter the better.

Beer – Stout/Porter

Pros:Makes you look like an Irish alcoholic wife-beater.
Cons:Makes you look like an Irish alcoholic wife-beater.
Hit Points:This depends on what you want to hit really.
Twat Factor:Can make you act like an Irish alcoholic wife-beater.
Morning After:Can make you feel like the victim of an Irish alcoholic wife-beater.

Wine – White

Pros:Classy, social, not too heavy on the purse – a wedding stalwart.
Cons:All too often French.
Hit Points:Moderate, but can be deceptive – try not to guzzle.
Twat Factor: Pretty low this one, but stick to the cheap stuff to avoid any references to “a fine year”.
Morning After:All too often French.

Wine – Red

Pros:See: Wine – White. Also goes nice with the food.
Cons:Stainage. Massive stainage.
Hit Points:Over-indulgence can lead to melancholy, stumbling and falling asleep on a corner table.
Twat Factor:Often related to vicious and unadulterated snobbery.
Morning After:Jesus wept. You’ll pray for death before the end.

Wine – Sparkling

Pros:WELL classy. Also pretty much compulsory at a wedding.
Cons:It tastes like Perrier mixed with battery acid.
Hit Points:Instant, and devastating. The depleted uranium of drinks.
Twat Factor:Can lead to instant gobshite.
Morning After:The depleted uranium of drinks.

Spirit - Vodka

Pros:142 million Russians can’t be wrong.
Cons:Downing it neat is generally frowned upon, so you have to water it down. Boo.
Hit Points:Goes down like Lovelace, and stings like a bee. Beware.
Twat Factor:Oscar Wilde to Zakk Wylde in 60 minutes.
Morning After:You think you’re so clever. But cirrhosis doesn’t show up until it’s too late.

Spirit – Scotch

Pros:Suave, debonair, Scottish – a Real Man’s drink.
Cons:It’s frowned upon to mix it, so for crying out loud don’t start too early.
Hit Points:Comatose. Really best kept for the end of the night.
Twat Factor:It’s a short trip from Sean Connery to Rab C Nesbit.
Morning After:Suicide is painless.

Spirit – Anything Foreign

Pros:Wow, haven’t tried that one before! And it’s a free bar, right?
Cons:There’s a reason why the alcohol-related death rate in its homeland is so high.
Hit Points:Good God. Liquid memory loss.
Twat Factor:Streaking naked through the ladies with an ice bucket on your head pretending you’re Darth Vader and offering to let Great Aunt Mabel touch your light sabre is A Bad Thing.
Morning After:Expect to wake up in a different postcode.


Seriously, if you need to ask…