What To Drink At A Wedding

Seeing as there’s a bit of a booze theme this week (plus things are a bit slow on my wedding-planning-stuff front), I thought I’d share my experiences, nightmares and repressed memories and do a brief guide on what to drink (and what not to drink) at a wedding. It’s easy to get carried away at these things, with the endless toasts, celebratory mood, and of course the free bar. But here’s a bluffers guide to avoid getting actually carried away, by furious groomsmen, bouncers, or Armed policemen…

Beer – Lager

Pros: A safe pair of hands – you know where you are with a Carling.
Cons: Doesn’t look too classy with a wedding dress.
Hit Points: A good session choice, assuming you know when to stop.
Twat Factor: Stay off the obvious wife-beater brands, unless you want an Albert Square-themed wedding.
Morning After: Fairly safe, but stick to bottles if you need to do anything important.

Beer – Old Knob’s Peculiar Mild (real ale)

Pros: A pretty cool pint. No, really. It’s the thinking man’s Carlsberg.
Cons: Can cause a tendency to sniff and talk about a “nutty finish”.
Hit Points: Varies. Check the percentage, and avoid anything called “hammer” or “cripple”.
Twat Factor: See Cons, above.
Morning After: Also varies. Stick to the golden rule; the lighter the better.

Beer – Stout/Porter

Pros: Makes you look like an Irish alcoholic wife-beater.
Cons: Makes you look like an Irish alcoholic wife-beater.
**Hit Points:**This depends on what you want to hit really.
**Twat Factor: **Can make you act like an Irish alcoholic wife-beater.
Morning After: Can make you feel like the victim of an Irish alcoholic wife-beater.

Wine – White

Pros: Classy, social, not too heavy on the purse – a wedding stalwart.
Cons: All too often French.
Hit Points: Moderate, but can be deceptive – try not to guzzle.
Twat Factor: Pretty low this one, but stick to the cheap stuff to avoid any references to “a fine year”.
Morning After: All too often French.

Wine – Red

Pros: See: Wine – White. Also goes nice with the food.
Cons: Stainage. Massive stainage.
Hit Points: Over-indulgence can lead to melancholy, stumbling and falling asleep on a corner table.
Twat Factor: Often related to vicious and unadulterated snobbery.
Morning After: Jesus wept. You’ll pray for death before the end.

Wine – Sparkling

Pros: WELL classy. Also pretty much compulsory at a wedding.
Cons: It tastes like Perrier mixed with battery acid.
Hit Points: Instant, and devastating. The depleted uranium of drinks.
**Twat Factor: **Can lead to instant gobshite.
Morning After: The depleted uranium of drinks.

Spirit - Vodka

Pros: 142 million Russians can’t be wrong.
Cons: Downing it neat is generally frowned upon, so you have to water it down. Boo.
Hit Points: Goes down like Lovelace, and stings like a bee. Beware.
Twat Factor: Oscar Wilde to Zakk Wylde in 60 minutes.
Morning After: You think you’re so clever. But cirrhosis doesn’t show up until it’s too late.

Spirit – Scotch

Pros: Suave, debonair, Scottish – a Real Man’s drink.
Cons: It’s frowned upon to mix it, so for crying out loud don’t start too early.
Hit Points: Comatose. Really best kept for the end of the night.
Twat Factor: It’s a short trip from Sean Connery to Rab C Nesbit.
Morning After: Suicide is painless.

Spirit – Anything Foreign

Pros: Wow, haven’t tried that one before! And it’s a free bar, right?
Cons: There’s a reason why the alcohol-related death rate in its homeland is so high.
Hit Points: Good God. Liquid memory loss.
Twat Factor: Streaking naked through the ladies with an ice bucket on your head pretending you’re Darth Vader and offering to let Great Aunt Mabel touch your light sabre is A Bad Thing.
Morning After: Expect to wake up in a different postcode.