Hopes are high however, after the office chair race success, coming 25th with a chair that was not modified, no practice, and a severe beating received several nights previously. It's given me a good sense of optimism heading into the World Crap Surfing Championships. I could win it, I could ride my first wave, I could hold aloft the World Crap surfing trophy and an Anglo American from London could go against all odds and pip last years winner to the post.
And then suddenly a Reality Check:
I can't surf– I have never surfed
You see I was a late developer when it came to making the transition between Land and Water. I still had armbands on at the ripe old age of 6, and had to wear a swimming hat because my hair would react to any substance known to man and go a greenish colour, and of course judging from the picture below, I preferred to sit on the beach with sand in my ass eating Ice cream (nothing has changed there).
I don't own a surfboard
Yes funny that but who would need a surfboard when they don't know how to surf? However, I am not as misguided as I might appear, I have in fact used my brain and Google for the purpose it was meant for. So this morning I typed in "how to surf" and have been practicing on my office chair….. actually I reckon there is a new sport right there – the office chair surfing championships! Gnarly!
I don't own a wetsuit
Again with the human race doing pretty well on land, a wetsuit was not on my wish list. Thus I will be relying on the weather to come good this weekend as I attempt to Surf in what can only be described as the "Wham Shorts".
I might be a bit heavy
So I know I am not the largest person but working in the centre of London does change your eating habits somewhat, and I can guarantee I have never seen a fat person surf. Last time I swam I got stuck in a rubber ring.
As you can see my chances are slim
however there is a glimmer of hope, as with all good events there are prizes for just being ridiculous and I am fairly confident that on the day I could lift at least one trophy from a number of great catergories.
The Main Categories
Men's World Crap Surfing Champion
Woman's World Crap Surfing Champion
Youth (under 16) World Crap Surfing Champion
The Not So Main Categories
Worst surfing style
Most genuinely upset loser
Most missed waves
Bravest young person
Best beach strut
Worst paddle out
Worst example of bragging
Yes the World Crap Surfer does seem quite far away however there are two aspects that I can consider an advantage on this trip.. the first.. I am not hitchhiking and unless there is a French tourist on route that plans a car jack then I shall not be attending the race bloodied and bruised. Secondly…… I only have to be a little bit better then crap.