True love lasts foreverIt’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
Shotgun weddingA couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, ‘No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!’
Fifty years of frustrationAs a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it. For fifty long years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to Aunt Edna and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.” Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice. “What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked. “Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”
What a guyWhat can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that’s enough about the best man. I’m here to talk about the groom.
The aisle, the altar and the hymnThe vicar noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. He told her that she only needed to remember 3 things. First the aisle, because that is what you’ll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words. . . Aisle, altar hymn, aisle, altar, hymn…
The cursed ringA businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. “This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.” “What’s the curse?” the man asked. “Mr. Klopman.”
Jack and Jill - It’s all downhillJack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. Jack’s father said, “Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here – try these on.'” Jack’s father continued, “So, she did and replied, ‘These are too big, I can’t wear these pants.’ So I replied to your mother, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.”‘ “Ever since that night we have never had any problems,” concluded Jack’s father. “Hmmm,” Jack said in reply. He thought his father’s suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that day of new beginnings. So on, his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, “Here, try these on.” So she did and said, “These are too large, Jack. They don’t fit me…” Jack replied, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.” Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as she said, “Here, you try on mine!” As she requested, he tried them. “I can’t get into your pants,” Jack said with a question in his tone. Jill replied, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your attitude, you never will.”
The vasectomy backfireThe bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.” Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one just as if it’s your own.”
Two Scotsmen walk into a pubTwo Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day. ‘Aye, it’s going to be grand,’ said Jim. ‘I’ve got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’ Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly. ‘Heavens, I’ve even got a kilt to be married in,’ continued Jim with a look of satisfaction. ‘A kilt… that’s good. You’ll look smart in that,’ exclaimed Finlay, ‘and what’s the tartan?’ ‘Och,’ uttered Jim, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’
Adam and EveGod says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?” “Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like he to work hard, be smart and enjoy being with me.” “Hmmmm”, God says, “I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.” “Oh,” says Adam, “Well what can I get for a rib?”
The ventriloquistMy Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.” Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mum said, “He does.”
The dreadful fightThree weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!” “Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!” “I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”
Pet namesA guy was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The guy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.” His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about ten years ago.”
Marriage adviceAt my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?” I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'” Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”
Always be preparedAlthough this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.” So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”
Know your rightsA grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing “wedding.” The wedding vows went like this: “You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.”
The female mysteryA man was speaking to God. “God, why did you make women so beautiful?” he asked. God said: “I did that to make you love them”. Then the man asked: “Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?” God said: “I did that to make you love them”. The man then asked: “But God, why did you make women so stupid?”. God said: “I did that to make them love you!”
Three’s a crowdThe newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
Cash incentiveDuring the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.
A misunderstandingA small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!” The bride groaned, hung onto the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!”
Stiff at lastHusband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
