Several Thousand Wedding Jokes

Top ten, witty one-liners, dirty jokes and funny short stories

Getting married can be a serious business but it’s also all about celebrating joy, which is why we’ve compiled a list of the best wedding jokes to get the whole room laughing. Be warned, we’ve looked far and wide to collect every wedding and marriage chestnut known to man, so most of these are as old as the hills. But, if you’re looking for something to pad out your wedding speech or to break the ice and liven up a dull stag or hen do, you’ll find it in this post. Plus, if you haven’t booked the stag or hen do yet, then we have1000s of activities, nightlife ideas and places to stay. And don’t worry, we’ve whittled down the best hundred jokes from the thousands that are online, so you’ll get the best and not the rest!

Whether you want to keep it clean or go risque, we’re sure there’s a joke to suit every bride, groom and best man out there.

Best Jokes for The Best Man

Being the Best Man can be a pretty stressful experience, you’ve got to organise the stag do, make a speech at the wedding and maybe even help the groom decide on his suit! But there are also loads of opportunities to show off some of these cracking jokes.

If you’re still feeling a little stressed, check out ourtips on writing the best man speechandthe comprehensive best man guide– they’ll be sure to calm any nerves before the big day!

The last two words

Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”.

Love is blind

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye opener

You’re Next

Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

Always the same boss

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

The best man’s one problem

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

The 4 types of ring
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS” :
The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The Suffering
The Enduring

Intelligence goes without saying
I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned the groom’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.

Mr. Smith
Stewardess: I’m sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London. Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

Read the fine print
Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I’m looking for a loophole

How going out can save a marriage
Some people ask the secret of Mr and Mrs Anthony’s long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

Universally speaking
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

Marital rings
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Coping with loss
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Not much to say
John: “I’m a man of few words.” Bill: “I’m married, too.”

Sunk costs
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Best Jokes for the Groom

It’s your special day and nothing should get in the way of that. Even so, it’s worth having a few jokes up your sleeve in case things get a little awkward during the reception, or maybe slip one into your wedding speech.

There’s loads to organise as the groom, so it’s worth checking out ourgroom guidewhich will help you through the rest of the process. And, if you’re lucky enough to be organising your own stag do, check out some of ourtop stag do destinations.

Mother-in-law

I haven’t spoken to my Mother-In-Law for eighteen months, I don’t like to interrupt her

The cost of marriage

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

Man in a forest

If a man is in the forest, and there isn’t a woman around, is he still wrong?

Her real first name

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always

Deaf and dumb

My wife says I never listen, or something like that.

The word marriage
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!)

Give and take
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes

Keeping with tradition
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven’t changed at all!

Wife wanted
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

The best revenge
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Plain and simple
Our marriage was a love match. plain and simple, she was plain and I was simple

When your wife is a catch
Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

When your wife is a catch
Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

“I do”
I walked up the aisle and said 'I do'. And I've been doing it ever since

Keep it safe
What is a man’s view of safe sex? A padded headboard.

Best jokes for the stag do

Stag dos should be full of beer, banter and bromance. But there will often be people new to the group (fathers of the bride, we’re looking at you!). Never mind how well you know the people on your stag do though, there are loads of jokes perfect for keeping up morale and breaking the ice.

If jokes aren’t enough, it’s worth thinking up some activities that will help bring everyone together and make it one unforgettable stag do. We don’t mean to brag but that’s kind of our speciality – check out ourtop stag do activities here.

Hope she doesn’t find out…

He has been in love with the same woman for 25 years - I hope his wife doesn't find out.

Single men vs married men

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die..

Finding the one

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

The best revenge

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

All’s well that ends well

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

Signs that the honeymoon is over
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on wednesday nights, and so does she.

Behind every man…
Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two!

Careful what you wish for
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

Poker face
Him: “I have never had an affair. Can you say the same?” Her: “Yes, but not with such a straight face”

Thin walls
Married life is full of excitement and frustration : In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

Best Jokes the Maid of Honor

Being a bridesmaid is a pretty big deal – you’ve been chosen to help the woman of the hour to plan her big day and make it one that will never be forgotten. Don’t worry though, we’ve got some great jokes that will make sure everyone is happy throughout the day.

If you’re also responsible for planning the Hen do, we’ve got somegreat ideasto help you get started and have even compiled a list of the cheapest hen do destinations so that you can make the most of your hen do without breaking the bank!

The word marriage

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!)

For better or worse

They married for better or for worse - He couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse!

The faults of marriage

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Facial recognition

Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Wife swap

Woman: “I got a set of golf clubs for my husband” Friend: “GREAT trade!”

Morning sickness
The groom was not a pretty baby - his mother got morning sickness after he was born.

Rude awakening
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

There’s not just happiness
Every man/woman should marry – After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Hot potato
Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man? He’s tan, he’s cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.

Men are like buses…
Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

Stiff as an ironing board
How do you know if your man is dead? The sex is the same, but there’s less ironing

Hell on earth
I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons, I’m a catholic and living with him is hell.

The male laundry system
How do men sort their laundry? “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.

Using what you’ve got
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!

Thinking of divorce
This couple were married for 67 years. The wife was asked; if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce. “Heavens no” she replied. Murder yes, but never divorce.

Best Jokes for the Bride

The day has finally arrived and you’re going to be marrying the man you love – congratulations! It’s every woman’s dream to have an unforgettable day and these jokes might come in handy if you’re making a speech or just breaking the ice with some relatives at the reception (we can’t guarantee they’ll go down well though).

If you’re looking for any other wedding related information, we’ve got loads to help: including how to deal withbad weather on your big dayand10 dangerous honeymoon ideas. Whatever you’re looking for, we’ve got it covered!

The scientific discovery

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men …a woman.

A step up from a fool

When a woman makes a fool of a man, it’s usually an improvement.

Men are like photocopiers…

Why are men like photocopiers? Beside reproduction, they’re not much good for anything else.

Bigamy vs monogamy

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

1 million sperm

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won’t stop to ask directions!

First-name basis
Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Words to live by…
Words to live by – do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Men are like animals…
Men are like animals-messy, insensitive and potentially violent-but they make great pets.

God’s improvement
What did God say after creating man? I can do better.

Time of the month
What’s the biggest difference between men and women? Men are crabby all month long

Fastest way to a man’s heart
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

The more the merrier
I believe that sex between two people is a beautiful thing….between five it’s fantastic.

I’ll have what she’s having
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Finding the right words
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong but you could still use them.

The staycation
Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I’ve never been before.
Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?

Best Jokes for the Hen Do

Whether you’re organising the Hen Do or just a guest, it’s a great idea to have some jokes up your sleeve to help break the ice and get the party started.

It’s also a great idea to make sure you have somefantastic activitieslined up to keep the good times rolling!

Old-fashioned romantic

What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

The banana and the dildo

What did the banana say to the dildo? What the hell are you shaking for, she’s going to eat me?

Men are like lawn mowers…

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time!

A simple life

When Susan's boyfriend proposed she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them as a husband".

The wrong finger

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’

What a stiff
Q: How can you tell when a man is dead?
A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes.

My face is up here
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes

Mixed signals
Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

The perfect man
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

The importance of grammar
An English professor wrote up on the board “woman without her man is nothing” and told his students to punctuate it. The males in the class wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The Females wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

Funny Short Stories for Everyone

True love lasts forever
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Shotgun wedding
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, ‘No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!’

Fifty years of frustration
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it. For fifty long years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to Aunt Edna and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.” Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice. “What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked. “Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”

What a guy
What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that’s enough about the best man. I’m here to talk about the groom.

The aisle, the altar and the hymn
The vicar noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. He told her that she only needed to remember 3 things. First the aisle, because that is what you’ll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words. . . Aisle, altar hymn, aisle, altar, hymn…

The cursed ring
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. “This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.” “What’s the curse?” the man asked. “Mr. Klopman.”

Jack and Jill - It’s all downhill
Jack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. Jack’s father said, “Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here – try these on.'” Jack’s father continued, “So, she did and replied, ‘These are too big, I can’t wear these pants.’ So I replied to your mother, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.”‘ “Ever since that night we have never had any problems,” concluded Jack’s father. “Hmmm,” Jack said in reply. He thought his father’s suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that day of new beginnings. So on, his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, “Here, try these on.” So she did and said, “These are too large, Jack. They don’t fit me…” Jack replied, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.” Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as she said, “Here, you try on mine!” As she requested, he tried them. “I can’t get into your pants,” Jack said with a question in his tone. Jill replied, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your attitude, you never will.”

The vasectomy backfire
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.” Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one just as if it’s your own.”

Two Scotsmen walk into a pub
Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day. ‘Aye, it’s going to be grand,’ said Jim. ‘I’ve got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’ Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly. ‘Heavens, I’ve even got a kilt to be married in,’ continued Jim with a look of satisfaction. ‘A kilt… that’s good. You’ll look smart in that,’ exclaimed Finlay, ‘and what’s the tartan?’ ‘Och,’ uttered Jim, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’

Adam and Eve
God says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?” “Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like he to work hard, be smart and enjoy being with me.” “Hmmmm”, God says, “I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.” “Oh,” says Adam, “Well what can I get for a rib?”

The ventriloquist
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.” Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mum said, “He does.”

The dreadful fight
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!” “Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!” “I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”

Pet names
A guy was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The guy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.” His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

Marriage advice
At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?” I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'” Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

Always be prepared
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.” So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”

Know your rights
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing “wedding.” The wedding vows went like this: “You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.”

The female mystery
A man was speaking to God. “God, why did you make women so beautiful?” he asked. God said: “I did that to make you love them”. Then the man asked: “Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?” God said: “I did that to make you love them”. The man then asked: “But God, why did you make women so stupid?”. God said: “I did that to make them love you!”

Three’s a crowd
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

Cash incentive
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.

A misunderstanding
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!” The bride groaned, hung onto the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!”

Stiff at last
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"